Humor :  You've been in Japan Too Long when...

...when in the middle of nowhere, totally surrounded by rice fields and abundant nature, you aren't surprised to find a drink vending machine with no visible means of a power supply.
...you find yourself bowing while you talk on the phone.
...you phone an English-speaking gaijin friend and somehow can't bring yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation.
...you think US$17 isn't such a bad price for a new paperback.
...when you "drink" pills.
...you buy a juicy Australian steak and pour shoyu all over it.
...you don't hesitate to put a $10 note into a vending machine.
...when you are talking on the telephone to your parents and your father says, "Why are you interrupting my explanation with grunts?"
...you see a gaijin get on the train and think "Wow, it's a gaijin!"
...you start thinking can-coffee tastes good.
...you have trouble figuring out how many syllables there really are in words like 'building'.
...when you wait for the first day of summer to wear short sleeve dress shirts.
...when the first option you buy for your car is a TV set.
...you don't think it unusual for a truck to play "It's a Small World" when backing up.
...you really enjoy corn soup with your Big Mac.
...you think the opposite of red is white.
...when you do "yanki-zuwari" waiting for a bus to come.
...you stop enjoying telling newcomers to Japan 'all about Japan'.
...you automatically remember all of your important year dates in Showa and Heisei numbers.
...people stop complementing you on your Japanese, and start asking you where you had your nose and eyes done.
...you wonder why Prince Akihito is already getting grey hair, and why you don't see much of the Emperor these days.
...you think Masako is beautiful and Hillary is cute.
...you noticed 7-11 changed its onigiri wrapping houshiki for the third time.
...you find a beautiful new way to eat natto.
...you are not worried about speeding in the rain, because you know the cops are only out there in good weather.
...you think birds cry.
...you think "English literature major" is a polite way to say peanut brained bimbo.
...you are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment, even though you'll probably never ever meet her again.
...you get blasted by a political speaker truck and think "sho ga nai..."
...you think its cool to stand in the "Japanese only" queue at Narita Immigration.
...you go to New Zealand and consider traveling around by train.
...you develop a liking for green tea flavored ice cream.
...you're talking to your mother on the phone, and she asks you what "genki" means.
...you think the best part of TV are the commercials.
...you think wet umbrellas need condoms.
...your children call you Otosan/Okasan.
...matter of fact, you've never even been skiing, but the rack looks great on the car.
...you have mastered the art of simultaneous bowing and hand-shaking.
...when you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if anybody's home.
...your hair is thinning and you consider it "barcode style".
...when you find nothing unusual in a television commercial for candy in which a model dressed in a high school girl's uniform comes up behind another model dressed in a high school girl's uniform, grabs her left breast, gives a devilish grin, and skips away.
...you have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your chopstick skills.
...you think 4 layers of wrapping is reasonable for a simple piece of merchandise.
...you don't find anything strange about a city that puts a life sized, red-and-white painted Eiffel tower imitation in its center, as well as a scale model of the Versaille Palace for its Crown Prince.
...a new Gaijin moves to your neighborhood and you know immediately you will get his mail for a while.
...you think the meaning of a red traffic light is: "Hurry up! Ten cars now in quick succession, and then we'll think about slowing down."
...when you get on a train with a number of gaijin on it and you feel uneasy because the harmony is broken.
...you ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them.
...when looking out the window of your office, you think "Wow, so many trees!" Instead of "Wow, so much concrete!"
...you think NHK is "the Japanese BBC."
...you think curry rice is food.
...you think it is quite OK to play volleyball with 12 people per team.
...and when you think nothing of it when that lonely vending machine says 'thank you' after you buy a coke.
...you stand before a sign on a bridge and ponder the possible meanings of "Bridge Freezes Before Road."
...it takes fifteen seconds of deep thought to recall the first name of the President of the United States.
...you have a favorite bush to pee behind.
...a non-Japanese sits down next to you on the train and you get up and move. You're not prejudiced, but who knows what they might do?
...you are outwardly appalled to see someone pour miso shiru over rice, but do it in private yourself (neko meshi).
....you only have 73 transparent, plastic umbrellas in your entrance because you have donated 27 to the JR and various taxi companies in the past few months.
...you have over 100 small, transparent plastic umbrellas in your entrance even *after* donating 27 of them to taxis and JR recently.
...when you absolutely do not possess the ability to mispronounce Japanese words "like a non-Japanese would."
...when your arguing with someone about the color of the traffic light being blue or green...and you think it's blue.
...you think rice imports should be prohibited, because Japanese consumers would never buy imported rice.
...you get a "Nihongo ga joozu" and feel really insulted.
...you see a road with two lanes going in the same direction and assume the one on the left is meant for parking.
...when you think Japan actually has only four seasons
...when you pull out your ruler to underline words.
...when getting ready for a trip you automatically calculate for omiyage and you leave just the right amount of space in your suitcase for them.
...you manage "yankii-zuwari" without anything propping up your heels.
...not only do you overcome your childhood training and spit out the mikan membranes, but you discover the knack of peeling the mikan so that the peel forms a neat receptacle for you to spit the membranes into.
...when having gaijin around you is a source of stress.
...you watch the grocer's with interest to see when the price of mikans will break.
...on a cold autumn night, the only thing you want for dinner is nabe and nihonshu.
...you return the bow from the cash machine.
...you can't find the "open" and "close" buttons in the elevator because they're in English.
...when you think children should have to walk around in the freezing cold with only short sleeves and shorts up to their butt (to make them strong!).
...when you think that coffee goes perfectly well with squid pizza.
...you can do arithmetic using man, oku, cho and kei.
...you sympathize with your Japanese student because her daughter is baka because she wears spring tops with winter skirts and you both sit down to try and see what can be done about this wild child.
...you count things with chuu chuu tako kai na.
...you cound things using the ni no shi no ro no ya no to song.
...you can't read your kids the Three Little Pigs without giggling when you get the part about "Not by the hair of chinny chin chin."
...you bow to other drivers who give you the right of way.
... you think cod roe spaghetti with chilled red wine is a typical Italian dish.
..."natsukashii" comes out of your mouth instead of "what you're saying makes me so nostalgic that I must look like one of those wide-eyed manga characters with a tear rolling out of my eye."
...you start to recognize BGM as a meaningful genre of music.
...walking into a crowded bar full of non-Japanese makes you nervous, because they "look dangerous." (This was passed on to me second-hand, I'm not that far gone, yet.)
...you buy a Christmas cake on Christmas Eve.
...you walk to the local seven eleven in your wife's shoes.
...you run for the Yamanote line pushing people left and right, jump on the train holding the doors open to let your bag follow you on. Because you know there will not be another one for at least a minute.
...you no longer pay any attention to what anyone does when you sit down beside them on a train.
...when you accompany your "no" by the famous waving hand-in-front-of-nose.
...when you're impressed with a girl with a 94 cm bust (Hosokawa Fumie).
...when you write or phone home and say things like "In Japan we..."
...you find yourself apologizing at least three times per conversation.
...when you let your car idle for half an hour while you go shopping.
...you find your self asking all your foreign acquaintances what their blood types are.
...you find yourself practicing golf swings with your umbrella on the train platform.
...you take practice golf swings on the train platform *without* an umbrella in your hand.
...you buy an individually wrapped potato in the supermarket.
...you think that "Lets SPORTS yOUNG gAY CluB" is a perfectly normal T shirt logo for a middle aged lady.
...you have to pause and translate your phone number into English before telling it to someone.
...you have a friend who lives in an apartment building called CREME SODA.
...you order a "bottle of draft" in a pub.
...you are speaking in English but all references to money are in Japanese.
...you pull up at a gas station and wait for a bunch of Norman Rockwell type attendants to jump out and clean your windshield.
...when you say that one of your hobbies is "doraibu."
...you think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk.
...you ask a gaijin colleague who wears short sleeves in October, "Aren't you cold?"
...lunch is yesterday's leftovers out of a Hello Kitty bento box.
...when you draw a sharp distinction between "English" and "English conversation."
...you use the "slasher hand" and continuous bowing to make your way through a crowd.
...all of your December Sundays are reserved for Bonenkai hangover recovery.
...back home, you are disappointed when Dominoes doesn't have corn pizza, and the driver is disappointed when you forget the tip.
...you glance at the clock and accurately predict the next line of dialog in the TV dorama.
...you feel an irresistible urge to point your windshield wipers outwards when you park your car in a ski resort.
...you go to a coffee shop in your home country and order "American coffee."
...you put eleven 10 yen coins in the vending machine before you notice it's sold out.
...you see some real cleavage and think WOW!
...you buy tickets to a Tigers' game and spend time practicing the cheers.
...you forget about July 4th, but get all worked up over Tanabata.
...it takes you three attempts to fill in a check correctly (happened to me last night).
...you have to think about it to remember what a 'check' is.
...you start shunning foreigners you meet far away from your metropolitan abode in Tokyo (they're probably not worth talking too, you know).
...you remember when shouchu was not a chic drink drunk by high school girls, but rather one drunk under the railroad tracks by construction workers who never take off their haramaki.
...you remember when the average Japanese person under about 30 did not have a telephone.
...you remember when telephones were almost always placed near the front door and next to them was placed a little box or jar to receive 10 yen coins from people who stopped by to 'borrow' your phone.
...you remember when public telephones had just been put out on the street that could be used for out-of-city calls as well as inside the city, and had a sign on them to indicate this new high-tech function.
...you remember non-wanman buses in the Tokyo area. Buses still have signs (at least someplaces) which say wanman (one man) to tell people that there is no ticket-taking person. Buses in days of yore used to have such people, making the bus, I guess, a two-paason bus, but nobody ever referred to them as two-paason or two-man.
...you remember almost no bars who could think fast enough to refuse a Caucasian client. Nobody expected them. But then nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition either. (No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!)
...you remember with great fondness what it sounded like to hear hundreds of geta hitting the pavement when the light changed to green for the pedestrians waiting to cross at the Sukiyabashi intersection in front of Asahi Shinbun headquarters.
...you keep looking for new copies of Gegege-no-kitaro and Hi-no-tori manga at the local bookstore.
...you have copies of nengajo post cards from a Showa date.
...you claim a seat at a Wendy's by putting your bag on it, fully expecting it to still be there when you return with your burger.
...when you start saving up for a Japanese burial plot.
...you get excited by words like: "health," "soap," "fashion," "image," and "pink."
...you mistake ownership of equipment for possession of skill when discussing your hobbies.
...you expect the elevator girl to announce every floor for you, even if you are alone with her.
...you stop saying "doitashimasite" when the vending machine thanks you.
...you keep interrupting a perfectly good English conversation with regular exclamations of eh, un, ah, heeey, and oh yeah (aizuchi).
...somebody crashes into you and you apologize, insisting that the accident was your fault.
...you watch Rex three times but don't bother to see Jurassic Park.
...you think you know the meaning of "internationalization."
...when you read "lets fit together" at your local sports club and don't immediately think of sex.
...when paying $2000 in gift money to the landlord of your new apartment doesn't make you really angry!
...the English rendition of any Japanese company president's corporate welcome makes perfect sense to you.
...you consider it acceptable to watch a classical concert on NHK BS in mono while the baseball is broadcast in stereo.
...you remember when Kin-san and Gin-san celebrated their 50th birthday.
...you go home for a holiday and ask your dad which rubbish bin to use for burnables.
...you see Japanese people on the street who remind you of people back home.
...you expect to have the plot of a detective story explained to you both before and after the showing on TV.
...you feel perfectly normal stepping out of a bank with $50,000 in cash in a cute paper bag in one hand, and a box of soap in the other.
...it does not strike you as strange that an attractive, fashionable and career-minded young woman who went to high school in the United States, graduated from Harvard and studied at Oxford has never, at least as far as the Imperial Household Agency can tell, had a boyfriend.
...you are back home and expect chocolates on Valentine's day.
...you have mastered the art of run-walking to create that important busy image.
...you are surprised the urinal does *not* flush automatically when you walk away from it.
...it does not annoy you when a map is oriented in a direction other than north.
...you understand why a young girl, newly employed at a trust association, would comply without complaint to her boss's order to go and get her picture taken for listing in a girlie column in a local newspaper.
...you are not surprised when, after the young girl gets murdered in connection with this, the bank says it cannot take any responsibility because she was acting on her own initiative in what was a personal, non-work-related matter.
...it is worthy of comment when a little English passage on a T-shirt or cereal box is not all that bad.
...you think nothing about a residential building covered from top bottom in white bathroom tiles.
...you're considering buying an ashtray for your bicycle.
...you think that, in a crowd of Japanese, the presence of another foreigner breaks the wa, although for some reason your presence doesn't.
...you start saying things like: "Yes, I can't do this."
...you face driving winds and wade through knee-deep water to get to work.
...you go to a public beach and leave all your litter behind in the sand, for the benefit of tomorrow's visitors.
...when you beat the "obatarian" to the last seat, and actually think you won a victory.
...you simultaneously listen to All Things Considered, watch the NHK local news and read your e-mail messages on the Internet.
...when on a visit some home, you say something like "Wow, a dollar buys so much!" and are surprised to find everyone looking at you funny.
...you stun yourself with the reverberation you put into the "r" of the Bakayarrrrrroh! you let rip at the chimpira who'd just triggered his automatic umbrella too close to your face.
...if the words CM, OB/OG, TPO, and OL all make perfect sense to you.
...when get into the habit of mentioning to people that they're gained weight when starting conversations.
...when you try to get a girl to "teach" you her phone number.
...if you think you're actually worth the salary you earn.
...when the neighbor asks to borrow some nori and you have it in at least 3 varieties.
...when the footprints on the toilet seat are your own.
...when you pull up to a stop light at a completely level intersection, but engage the hand brake anyway.
...a job arrives at your door on Saturday evening, to be done by Monday, and you don't blink.
...you think there is something vaguely sinister about open spaces, healthy trees and grass.
...you believe that Tokyo has four seasons, even though it rarely snows.
...you hear a new item still referring to the gate crusher incident as an 'accident' and don't blink an eye.
...you are convinced there are no illiterates in Japan.
...you don't hesitate to serve Calpis water to foreign visitors.
...when your daughter goes to swim school twice a week for over a year and she has not been taught to swim and you understand and do not question it and think that run-on sentences with no subjects like this are normal.
...if you remember having to request an international phone line.
...when, on a trip home, you say out loud exactly what you think 'cause that's what people do here.
...when you visit Tokyo and make a bee-line for Kinokunia and the Virgin mega store.
...you read the store name "WARE HOUSE" as "WA-RE [our] house," instead of "warehouse."
...you think those clear plastic umbrellas keep you dry.
...when you have no problem with a pencil case that proclaims "the Earth is not only for a human."
...when you use the word "sharp-pen" and can't remember the English name [it was 'mechanical pencil' last time I checked].
...when you begin all sentences with: "ano-ne"
...you plug your waapro into a consento and consider a pipe cut and don't understand why your friends say you speak funny.
...you hate Dave Specter because he speaks better Japanese than you.
...somebody asks directions, you don't have the slightest idea where they're talking about, but you give them directions anyway.
...you have an irresistible urge to state the obvious.
...you can't have your picture taken without your fingers forming the peace sign.
...when you have a heated discussion with four other people, and you all have the same opinion, but you take turns actively stating that opinion again and again, getting more and more excited in the process.
...you have a favorite "sha-bo" that you like to write with (this means a combination "sharp-pen" (mechanical pencil) and ball-point pen).
...(for males) slightly embarrassed by something when in company, you reach behind and put the flat of your hand behind your head, give a little smile, a sharp intake of breath, and start, but do not finish, a small bow.
...after your shower, you catch yourself pulling on your shorts with the towel still wrapped around your waist.
...when you ask your wife if the rice cooker has been set for breakfast
...your yukata sleeve snags on the keyboard when changing disks.
...when, back home, invited to a diner party, you try, *discretely* to take off your shoes
...when back home, in a public place such as a restaurant or a coffee shop, you are really disturbed by the sound of the conversations in your native language.
...when you believe that buildings are made by incubating the site in blue plastic sheeting for nine months.
...after breaking your wari-bashi apart, you clash the two together to get any splinters off.
...when you rush home from work to catch the last few minutes of sumo.
...you first let yourself in and then (from the inside) knock on the door and shout "hello".
...you walk through your neighborhood, and a house that was there yesterday is gone without a trace, and you don't blink.
...you think the refined way to eat spaghetti is without a spoon.
...if you remember when the foreigner you saw most often on TV was Roy James.
...if you know who Roy James was.
...if you remember that Roy James was Japanese of Turkish ethnic origin.
...when you begin to think the holiday that falls on December 25 is spelled, "X'mas".
...when you hear Christmas songs in February and don't have a "Japan attack."
...when you always say 'Christmas song' instead of 'Christmas carol.'
...when the Christmas music in the stores does not make you feel at all sentimental like it used to.
...you've discovered that the real meaning of fatherhood is never being able to take a bath by yourself.
...you don't even do a double-take at seeing, next to a display of whistling kettles at Seiyu, a device for testing the whistle of a kettle before buying it.
...water and sewage lines are to be laid under the same road, and you fully expect the road to be opened, closed, bitumened, and then opened, closed and bitumend again within one month.
...when reading a novel where the main character finds himself in Tokyo, you think to yourself "Cool! Tokyo!"
...if you've written "XYZ" on the message chalkboard in Shinjuku station that appears in City Hunter (Hi, Adam).
...if your only desire is to go for a long drive with Paul Harvey or Rush Limbah on FEN.
...when you mentally convert your dollar assets into yen to figure out your personal wealth.
...if you can remember when Kirin was advertised as coming from the sparkling waters of Mt Fuji.
...you think people abroad would snap up a book with "too long in Japan" quips.
...you have learned the art of riding a bicycle while holding an umbrella over your head.
...when you spend 200,000 yen for two nights and three days sight-seeing in Kobe (travelling from Yokohama, two adults and one child who still travels and lodges free) and don't get angry.
...when you use phrases like "abundant nature" in letters.
...when you buy a ski rack for your car, but you don't own any skis.
...and a true story: When you are visiting relatives in the States (and when you think of it as "visiting" and not "going home") and the phone beside the bed rings early one morning and, in a daze, you pick it up and mumble "moshi moshi." And then when the person on the other end says something in English about "is this the right number?" to half-knock you out of your daze and you mumble "hello hello."
...you are turned away from a club because you are not Japanese, and you are not offended.
...you think it 10 visits to the dentist to fix a tooth is reasonable.
...when NHK warnings about landslides, heavy rains, lightning or fog make you feel reassured that someone is benevolently watching over you.
...you decide to take a foreign visitor to see an old temple, a kabuki play and Ginza.
...when the first accessory you buy for your motorcycle is a flip-up license plate holder.
...when the next thing you buy for your r is a clock.
...when a "bike" is never a bicycle, always a motorcycle.
...you think "white" is the color for cars; except for Ferraris, in which case it is "red."
...when you go into a coffee shop and head right for the Golgo 13 manga.
...when you've realized the cosmic fact that, no matter where you go in the world, you can find Golga 13 mangas in a 7-11.
...when you know there aren't nine prefectures in Kyushu.
...you are embarrassed because you don't have the NHK sticker on your door and the neighbors do.
...you return from a hiking trip with brand-new, unscratched, unsoiled, top-of-the-line hiking gear.
...you think "for beautiful human life" is a nice advertising slogan.
...you are jealous of your friend because the camera strap that came with his new Minolta camera says "With you for the best scenes of your life" and yours doesn't.(Another true one)
...you are disgusted by the thought of someone eating miso soup with a spoon.
...you've passed through all the Three Stages of Eye Aversion when meeting other foreigners.
...you yearn to have a remote control in the bathroom to control the washlet, boudieoux, butt-dryer, etc.
...you are not surprised when, in an old home in rural Japan, you use the bathroom, only to find a giant color poster of James Dean staring at you in the hallway
...you think James Dean is one of the most important actors of the 20th century.
...when you hear words like "crunky generation" "mooney man" "Bongo Friendy" "charmy green" and "mapple" and do not get the heebie-jeebies.
...when you get tired of taking pictures of men doing tasshon (stand-'n-pee) outdoors.
...when you see signs saying "please do not tasshon here" or "beware of chikan" and don't think call your mom to tell her.
...if you have, at any time, been engrossed in an "easy reader" novel or other work intended for ESL learners (Love Story, 1500 word level, I couldn't put it down).
...if you're thinking that you can use this document as a discussion topic to kill an hour of your English class.
...if you can sing along with the "Ishimaru Denki," "Satoh Musen," or "Bunmeido Castella" commercial songs in Japanese.
...when you have an ATM card in your wallet called Happy Time Card Dick.
...when you think powdered coffee creamer is "milk."
...when you think that JET is Japan's Peace Corps.
...when you abbreviate White Day as "H.D." (for 'Howaito') on your palm as a reminder to buy some chocolate for your girlfriend. (I actually did this!)
...when you can't remember whose picture is on all the money and coins from your native country.
...when a truck backs up playing the Parade of Lights theme from Disnelyand and this seems cute to you.
...when your hair turns white upon hearing of a gaijin friend who slept in his tokonoma because he thought that was what it was for.
...when you've learned to write you fours so that they don't look like 9s to the Japanese.
...if you think that people from America can't pick up things on the floor with their feet but Japanese can.
...if you never turn your headlights on during the day because Japanese people never do it.
...if you can write the kanji for eikyou right now, while reading this.
...when "short-timer" gaijin say to you, "So, you gonna stay here forever or what?" and you get annoyed.
...if, when the store you made a special trip to is closed that day, you calmly turn around and go home, perhaps making a note of the store's teikyubi in your mind.
...when that same foreigner who has just arrived as a "theory about Japan" (such as "everything is about death here") and you listen with mock interest, making mental notes to add to your "you've been in Japan too long page when" page later
...when that same foreigner says something like, "After I learn Japanese..." and you smile privately to yourself.
...if, right now, you're not sure what year it is in seireki.
...if you say things like "almost students are late to school."
...if you have great difficulty using a romanized Japanese-to-English dictionary because you are thinking in a-ka-sa-ta-na order instead of alphabetical order (the truth can hurt).
...if you don't wonder that all Japanese believe their ancestors were samurai.
...when you are uncomfortable using the word "bathroom" for "toilet" since they're really totally different.
...when you know what it is to wake up in the morning and find a chopstick wrapper with a girl's phone number on it.
...if you think there is nothing strange about watching the Superbowl half-time sports news and having the newscaster tell you the outcome of the game, before they've broadcast the second half.
...it is mendokusai for you to differentiate between count and non-count nouns in English.
...when you have learned to substitute 'tissue' for the word 'Kleenex' because you know that everyone will understand you better.
...when you put on your jacket and slippers, go down to the Daily Store and pick up a package of Perky Bit (it's frozen chicken nuggets).
...when the ~ character means "from" to you (as in, 2:00 ~ 3:00).
...when you've noticed a marked tendency to say 'this one' instead of 'this' when using the word as a noun.
...if you've read Jeff's book about Seiko (I couldn't put it down!).
...if your weight, shoe size, and height in the European measuring system have ceased to be relevant for you.
...if you have mastered the art of starting your car without getting in it yet.
...if you think there that blue and light blue are totally unrelated colors.
...if, while home for Christmas, you go up to a clerk in Mervyn's and ask them where the toilet is, causing them to look at you strange (apparently I should have said 'restroom' or something).
...when you are at home with Melon Bread.
...when you "send" someone to the station (or "send" a person standing right next to you a gift).

...when candy is always hard and "muscat" is your favorite flavor of canned crushed ice.
...when you find it normal to eat curry wrapped in a donut flavored piece of bread.
..when in your home country, you take all your bills to the local 7-11.
...when you watch a rented video, you no longer notice the Japanese subtitles.
...when you read the subtitles to make sure they're right. If they're not, you have a fit and claim how much better of a job you could've done.
...when riding a woman's shopping bike has no effect on your male ego.
...when you finally accept the fact that OIOI is "marui" and not "oi! oi!"
...when you like and sometimes crave "umeboshi taberetto".
...when you can count singing the "ni no shi no ro no ya no to" song
....you don't bat an eye when you pay a $1 for and then gulp down a can of "Pocari Sweat"!
...you can remember when the "meter drop" on a taxi was 110 Yen.
...you initiate the applause when a drunk finishes his song on the last train home!
...you get into the elevator and immediately push the "close door" button.
...you get into the elevator and intentionally stand in front of the control panel so no one can push the "close door" button.
...at a Japanese restaurant in the States you call out to the waitress "Summasen!"
...you get disgusted when a "foreigner" tosses his business card on the table to you.
...someone asks you your blood type (nani gata) and you answer "Gata Gata".
...you are ignored at a government office because everyone is afraid of having to try to deal with you in English. So, you catch someone's eye and INSTANTLY give a quick head nod knowing they will "knee jerk" nod back and having recognized your presence must ask you what you need.
...you are asked what kind of gasoline you want and you reply "Hai Auk". (All true)
...you miss seeing Taiho and Kirinji during the Sumo matches.
... you find an old foreign exchange receipt that shows you got 360 yen for your $1.
...you remember the fight from Osaka to Yonago used new YS11's.
...you long for the days when a bowl of curry rice was 150 yen at the Kobe Curry House.
.. you remember reading the Kansai Action newspaper published by Isokawa san.
...you find the souvenirs you bought at Osaka Expo 70.
...the youngest son of your host family that you used to carry on your shoulders to the sento, gives you his work phone number.
...you fire up the 512K Mac that your friend bought for you at the Tachikawa PX.
...you eagerly wake up at 5:00 in the morning to go fishing at the neighborhood pier knowing that your chances of catching anything over 3 inches is between slim and none.
...you look at pictures of your Honda Z.
...you have lost the subtle difference between the phrases "I'll be waiting in the car" and "I am waiting in the car."
. ..while back in the U.S., you go to a Japanese restaurant and feel very ill when observing other non-Japanese patrons sticking their chopsticks point first into the center of their filled rice bowls (only done with rice for a deceased individual in Japan).
...you automatically fashion a chopstick holder out of the waribashi wrapper by tying a simple knot with it.
...you know how to make a 1 yen coin float in a cup of water (float a piece of tissue on the surface, carefully place coin on tissue, gently knock tissue under the surface without touching the coin, carefuly remove tissue).
...you return to the states and find it odd that there is no speaker blaring music for you when the pedestrian crossing signal is 'walk.'
...you return to the states and discover, much to your annoyance, that you simply can't function without a car in most major cities.
...you discover most of your caucasian friends simply cannot sit "Japanese" style on the floor (seiza) and wonder why you are not in pain when you do.
...you actually look forward to the bip bip beeep tone that most TV stations broadcast every hour on the hour right before a show starts.
...seeing big time U.S. celebritities hawking products on TV is not unusual to you.
...when you practice "safety driving."
...when you go to a gasoline stand to use their telephone box.
...when, on a cloudy day you open up your umbrella because everyone else has, even though you have not felt a drop of rain.
...when you go into a used bookstore called "YAMANEKO" and think to yourself, hey, that's a character from the famous Miyazawa Kenji novel "The Restaurant of Many Orders."
...you think that Musashimaru's Yokozuna dohyo-iri needs work
...when you start overestimating the amount of time you've been in Japan, because that raises your "status" among other gaijin.
...you remember when schoolgirls had white skin and black hair, not black skin and white hair.
...you think that highly culturally specific, ethnocentric behavior is "common sense", but you need written instructions on how to use a sit-down toilet.
... when you get frustrated at your 'baka gaijin' friends constantly asking you "How do you say ________ in japanese?" while visiting.
...you start to believe that "foreigner" is an adequate physical description, nationality or ethnotype.

And my 5 favourites (because I did all of them:-)

...you notice you've forgotten how to tie shoelaces.
...you draw an X (shime-kiri) on the envelope flap after sealing it.
...you appear for your first skiing lesson with brand new Rossignol high performance racing skis and an aerodynamic racing suit with color matched goggles. And then snowplow down.
...if you have adjusted to Japanese automatic doors, which are oh-so-subtly different from the ones back home.
...you are willing to travel enormous distances just to take a bath.
　

The lines above were collected from various Usenet groups, especially soc.culture.japan and fj.life.in-japan, during the mid-1990's, and some were added by me. Foreigners who have spent many years living in Japan, who can get all the jokes, should be extremely amused. These aren't all mine so please feel free to distribute them around, add to them, whatever. Links to this site are always appreciated, too.